Every culture has its own set of beliefs, values, and sense of what behavior is acceptable. I can imagine my Kenyan counterparts have their own list of “things the strange Mzungu does.” As I have come to adapt to the culture I realized there are some things that have stopped surprising me and I have taken them to be “normal.”
1. Masai men can be seen in traditional dress (i.e. red robes, beaded jewelry, and a stick) walking down any street.
2. “How are you” is used as a general greeting and not meant to actually find out how you are doing.
3. The response to “how are you” is ALWAYS “I am fine” no matter what.
4. Tea, or chai is compulsory.
5. “No” means “yes” especially when a man is asking a woman on a date.
6. “You look smart” does not mean you look intelligent, and often times it actually is used to mean you look strange, or ill-dressed.
7. Washing clothes should be done bent over a bucket on the ground without any sign of a bend in your knees.
8. If you feel tired, you have malaria.
9. If you have a fever, you have malaria.
10. If you have a headache, you have malaria.
11. A western style toilet is of no practical use if it does not flush.
12. When a meeting is scheduled to begin at 10AM, no one is expected until 10:30 or 11.
13. If a gathering is planned from 10AM-1PM, at least a quarter of the participants will arrive at 1PM.
14. If an individual does not know the answer to a question, an answer will be made up and vehemently defended without regard to common sense. This is often seen when asking directions.
15. When asking directions the answer is always “it is near” whether the destination is 10 feet or 10 miles away.
16. Small children think white skin feels different than black skin.
17. There is no time limit for blatant staring.
18. Plastic garbage bags make perfectly fine rain coats.
19. It is acceptable to write IOU’s for services rendered.
20. It is perfectly acceptable to say you do not have change.
21. Upon arriving at a shop to buy goods one must first locate a small child who will then be sent to find the shop owner. Approximately 10-20 minutes later once the shop owner has arrived one must search their vocabulary to determine the appropriate language to speak. After being told that this particular bread shop does not have any bread to speak of, one must thank the shop owner and hope for better results tomorrow.
22. A menu at a restaurant is merely for decoration.
23. Oranges are not orange.
24. A meal without 3 types of starch is not considered a meal.
25. Beer is sold, served, and drank at room temperature. In Kenya this is typically 75 degrees F.
26. Ice does not exist.
27. Despite the abundance of tomatoes, ketchup is labeled “tomato sauce” and generally has the taste and consistency of pink unflavored gelatin.
28. Work ceases if it is “too cold” or raining.
29. Dogs are an annoying creature that should be beaten, not fed, and expected to guard the home.
30. If you see a place to wash your hands, do not expect soap. If you find soap, do not expect it to be clean. If you do happen find soap that is not covered with dirt, do not expect it to be there tomorrow.
31. If you ask any public transit where they are going, they will immediately ask you where YOU are going and claim that is where they are headed.
32. There is no such thing as customer service.
33. If you order eggs and bread for breakfast, do not expect eggs and bread.
34. If you are purchasing 6 tomatoes and have established a price, after paying you then ask the seller to “add a little” to which you will be given one or two additional small tomatoes.
35. Something is wrong with you if you do not own land and grow crops regardless of profession.
I could quite honestly continue forever... but i'm sure thats enough for now.
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